the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
call it self-inflicted, call it masochism - whatever you want. i just hate wearing gloves.
the fallen saint left at 9:58 pm i registered myself for the standard chartered 42km marathon.
the fallen saint left at 9:48 pm why do i try to please the people who don't care? why am i trying to make you like me? i used to be blase; if you can't accept me as i am then it's your problem and not mine. maybe i had more to fall back on in the past, and despite toeing the line, i knew i had a safety net if i fell - i knew someone would catch me. i don't want to accept that i'm afraid nobody's there to help me. it's cowardice.
the fallen saint left at 12:17 am
preface: this is all thanks to you, nicholas, for messing with my head.
the fallen saint left at 9:00 pm
i think i've lost my bearings.
the fallen saint left at 10:16 am
an excerpt from Crusades, by Terry Jones and Alan Ereira:
the fallen saint left at 11:54 am got to push myself to lift heavy and leave nothing in the tank after i'm done.
the fallen saint left at 9:02 am
in a crowded train, naijiz and myself standing, me sending text messages on my phone...
the fallen saint left at 6:57 pm
subconsciously i've been setting these boundaries for myself, telling myself that i should go slowly. enough of this.
the fallen saint left at 11:18 pm
i am this close to hopping around like a deranged kid. on my last visit to apple.com's trailer site, i found out about three movies that will be released next year - teenage mutant ninja turtles, transformers and spiderman 3.
the fallen saint left at 12:13 pm
i don't know what the hype about subarus is, because i absolutely dislike them from the exterior. i admit i have not driven one, but i'm not commenting on the handling, so anyone who feels unhappy about what i'm about to write, please note the parameters i've just laid out before you decide to scribble any nonsense on my tagboard. the last thing i want to do is reiterate something that's plain for all to see.
the fallen saint left at 12:30 am
oh desert speak to my heart
the fallen saint left at 9:33 pm
it seems tonight will be a busy one. there're a load of replies to get out, and conversations to keep alive. when a friend rakes up the past, it's never easy to keep everything to myself, but i'm trying. step by step, i'm succeeding. i have moved on, after all.
the fallen saint left at 11:07 pm
if we call the filthy rich obnoxious and arrogant, then why do we still aspire to be like them?
the fallen saint left at 9:26 pm
i said i'd take a hiatus, and i didn't know how long it would last. it was one of those spells every year of my life when i would have an avalanche of peculiar thoughts cloud my mind, and as i seek to answer questions and entertain illusory mischiefs, they compound themselves and i end up being exponentially perplexed.
the fallen saint left at 11:31 pm
i feel like i'm running out of blog-worthy things to say.
the fallen saint left at 10:31 pm
the fallen saint left at 10:52 pm
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
soon, soon
blisters on my hands.
but this is just the start, and already i can hardly wait.
the suicide begins
like i told C, i feel like the 42 bucks have gone to buying myself a six-foot deep plot of land.
someone i'm not
if anything, i fear cowardice.
you people who continually gossip about me, what issue have you got with me? the matter is three years old and you won't let it rest. what purpose you people intend to achieve in doing this, any rational mind will never know, but i assure you, no matter how dirty a picture you paint of me, you will never see me surrender. i will take everything on the chin, because if i could survive the initial backlash i don't see how much harder it can get now.
i was never one to try and get into people's good books. you take me for who and what i am, and if you can't handle me then that's your business, not mine. i'm defiant, at times bullish, occasionally arrogant, but also sincere and honest. but i'm done with stepping aside to let you pass. this time, i will walk right through.
because i refuse to let you control me.
Monday, August 28, 2006
between this and that
is a year enough to prove that someone you lost was someone you needed, more than wanted? she made me whole and i could not possibly ask of more from her, but things ended abruptly, and i can't say i'm happy with this conclusion, but she is happy with the life she has now. this distance apart, there isn't anything i could ask but for her to be happy.
i always thought i lost more than i knew. just how much, i'm beginning to find out, i think.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
be my mirror
i need someone who understands me - who's understood me through this all - to tell me whether i've changed, and what kind of person i've become.
'losing my religion, trying to keep up with you'
Saturday, August 26, 2006
witty sarcasm
'On the way to the coast, however, [the Crusaders] fought what must be one of the most curious battles of all time. They besieged a castle that was defended entirely by sheep. The local inhabitants had driven their flocks into the disused fortress known as Hosn al-Akrad ('citadel of the Kurds'). When the Crusaders attacked, the peasants rather craftily released a few of the animals and the Christians - predictably - went chasing off in pursuit. This gave the locals a chance to slip away into the night, leaving their flocks behind them. When the Crusaders resumed the siege, they couldn't understand why no one was fighting back. They suspected it was yet another peasant ruse, whereas in fact it was the purely technical problem sheep have in mounting any sort of armed resistance.'
mantra
i use the fear of having my name mentioned with 'frivolous training' in the same breath to drive myself.
this physical pain is, after all, temporary.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
of sowing seeds and not
me: ... you've got to sow your seeds, grow your investments. the harvest will come later..
naijiz: why do you bother with the seeds? just saw the damn tree down.
so much for patience being a virtue.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
weak
'frivolous training'. yeah, D was right. i can still move pretty close to normally now, and it only goes to show that i wasn't going heavy enough on my squats. the last two times after doing my squats i could barely walk, and now i'm already feeling like i've recovered.
if this is how i'm going to feel after every training, then i'm only wasting my time in the gym.
i'm 20 and this is my time. go hard or go home. make it happen.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
ooooohhh
ok you may wonder why an adult (yes, based on numbers, unfortunately) will be so excited about three movies adapted from cartoon and comic originations. i've no idea too, actually. my best offer of an explanation would be that it's something that will forever be embedded in my childhood memories. i grew up watching those cartoons, for goodness' sake. that's what little that's left of my childhood! maybe i did have a deprived childhood.
okay, bring on 2007!
Friday, August 18, 2006
ear plugs please
normally i'm not one to bitch about cars. yes, me being a car whore for that matter. but it's just that it's past midnight now, i'm quite bloody tired from gym, my eyelids need strings to prevent them from closing and i would appreciate some decent, uninterrupted sleep. however, some upstart just drove past in a subaru along the main road downstairs and i can hear its irritating shout through my closed windows and curtains within my air-conditioned room.
so i'm bloody tired, and let's wrap this bitch session up in a minute. i hate subarus for the way they look, the way they sound and for what lies under the bonnet. protruding air scoops are anything but cool, and annoyingly huge spoilers, coupled with an exhaust pipe that looks like a hooker's fisted cunt are - in my honest opinion - design nightmares. if you want to drive a sports car, get a proper one, for christ's sake. i don't care if the wrx comes direct from the factory with a turbo, the fact is it's still a modified car. it is my firm belief that sports cars' engines should be naturally aspirated, not souped up with turbos, and look at the price of that car; sports cars are big, fuel-consuming, expensive and ostentatious. the subaru is a budget sports car. i mean, what the f*ck is a budget sports car!? it's an oxymoron by itself.
and the sound of it is the substance of nightmares to any proper sports cars lover. connoisseurs appreciate only the rich baritone or tenor notes of a racing engine, and the sound stays that way even at high revs. they don't mutate into eardrum-abrasive shrieks a la banshees, as demonstrated woefully by the su-whatever. and for pete's sake, the only reason the car needs three or more additional gauges installed outside of the dashboard is because the car was too cheap to warrant the inclusion of these necessary gauges. again, budget sports car.
W H A T T H E F * C K .
one fine day when i totally lose my head i'll make sure i hunt you down, dislodge the obscene exhaust pipe from your damn car and shove it right up your hairy hole through to your mouth. ride a bicycle, save the money and maybe you could consider a decent car instead. in the meantime, scrap the subaru, please.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
run to the water, by live
oh woman of the earth
maker of children who weep for love
maker of this birth
till your deepest secrets are known to me
i will not be moved
i will not be moved
don't try to find the answer
when there ain't no question here
brother let your heart be wounded
and give no mercy to your fear
adam and eve live down the street from me
babylon is every town
it's as crazy as it's ever been
love's a stranger all around
in a moment we lost our minds here
and lay our spirit down
today we lived a thousand years
all we have is now
run to the water
and find me there
burnt to the core but not broken
we'll cut through the madness
of these streets below the moon
these streets below the moon
and i will never leave you
till we can say, this world was just a dream
we were sleeping, now we are awake
till we can say
in a moment we lost our minds here
and dreamt the world was round
a million mile fall from grace
thank god we missed the ground
run to the water
and find me there
burnt to the core but not broken
we'll cut through the madness
of these streets below the moon
with a nuclear fire of love in our hearts
yeah, i can see it now lord
out beyond all the breaking of waves
and the tribulation
it's a place and the home of ascended souls
who swam out there in love
run to the water
and find me there
burnt to the core but not broken
we'll cut through the madness
of these streets below the moon
with a nuclear fire of love in our hearts
rest easy baby, rest easy
and recognize it all as light and rainbows
smashed to smithereens and be happy
run to the water (and find me there)
run to the water
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
tide's in
i'd like to add, too, that rockstar supernova is by far a lot more entertaining competition than any idol series ever produced - original, emotional, angsty and pensive. after each episode i find myself wanting to buy the albums of more than half the contestants remaining in the show, only to remember that they don't have albums out, yet.
back to clearing my figurative in-tray.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
paradox
Friday, August 11, 2006
awakening
i think you are beginning to see the tip of the iceberg as to what is happening to me.
so while these imaginings fester in my conscious, i am confined within myself because i cannot tell anyone what things are troubling me. pedantic i may not be, regarding such matters, but i am given to attempts at theorising my life as i have lived, via the paths i've chosen, that have ultimately led me here.
in a world where change is the only constant, i am struggling to stay on my feet. my priorities have been re-aligned, my definitions changed, and pages re-written. i live by an adjusted set of rules now, and measure success with a different ruler.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
barren
i think i will take a hiatus. i don't know how long for, but i'm not writing anything new until i resolve the troubles within me.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
flight of brilliance
"poetry is an art, and chief of the fine arts; the easiest to dabble in, the hardest in which to reach true perfection"e. c. stedman